What Was That Title?
by Valarauko
Summary: A) Replace one word from the book's title with a similar sounding word. B) Write a scene from the book with the new title. C) Post on the internet and allow to be ridiculed. Randomness strikes again!
1. FillItUpSir Stone

Note: These stories are not meant to make sense. I just felt the need to write something without worrying about how good it is. So don't bother telling me that it's stupid, because I already know it is. Now that you know, please continue reading.

Harry Potter and the Fill-it-up-sir Stone (Philosopher's Stone)

In the middle of Qudditch practice, Harry's broom began making sputtering noises.

"Wood!" Harry called. "Something's wrong with my broom, I'm going to land."

Harry descended, his broom making short jerky motions. Oliver Wood landed nearby and walked over.

"What's wrong, Potter?"

"I don't know, this is my first broom. It's making a weird noise and not moving right."

"I think your broom's out of gas. You can refuel at the service station behind the Quidditch shed. We'll practice without you until you get back."

Harry picked up his broom and headed for the shed.  Sure enough, there was a large tank of gasoline around the back. Madame Hooch was holding the nozzle.

"What'll it be, Harry? Regular or magic?"

"Regular is fine. Just fill it up."

"Right you are." Madame Hooch stuck the nozzle in among the twigs of the broom's tail. When she pulled it out the broom rose up to Harry's mounting height.

"Thank you." Harry flew back to Quidditch practice.

How weird is it? Review and tell me!


	2. Chamber of Seekers

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Seekers (Chamber of Secrets)

The tunnel suddenly split in two directions.

_Hang on_, Harry thought. _The basilisk can't be down _both_ tunnels. One of them must lead to the chamber and the other leads who-knows-where-else_.

Harry picked the left tunnel to explore first. Oops.

He came to a door with two snakes carved on it. Well, they didn't look much like snakes, but Harry was determined to use his imagination to make the squiggly lines look like they were carved for a reason. The snakes seemed to be looking down at him, their cruel eyes glinting gold in the wandlight.

_Gold?_ Harry was sure they should have been green. Green was the color of snakes and Slytherin house. That just made sense. Gold was the color of snitches and Gryffindor house. That really didn't make sense. But it didn't matter. He hissed something in Parseltongue and the door opened.

Harry stepped into the room beyond. Something flew at his head and he ducked reflexively, just in time for the bludger to pass over him. _A bludger? In the Chamber of Secrets?_ Harry was perplexed. _What happened to the basilisk?_

"Sorry about that!" a voice on his left called. "There's no stopping those things!" Harry turned and saw a man wearing colorful robes and holding a bat. The man ran over to him, dodging as another bludger careened toward him. "You must be Harry Potter." Harry nodded. "I'm Josef Wronski. Welcome to the Chamber of Seekers."

"Seekers?" Harry looked around and saw that, indeed, everyone in the room was wearing Quidditch robes. Most of them were carrying bats to ward off the bludgers, and a large group at the far end was chasing a snitch. "But I'm looking for the Chamber of Secrets! I need to rescue Ginny from the basilisk!"

"Basilisk? There is no basilisk. Ginny's been down here with us."

"Then who's been Petrifying everyone?"

"That was us. You see, we have to get food from the kitchens. And when people see a troop of world-class Quidditch players wandering through the halls, especially when most of us are supposed to be dead, they tend to get over-excited and their brains short-circuit. They'll recover just fine if you convince them that they never saw any of us."

"Hermione passed out because she saw some Quidditch players? I don't believe it."

"Just wait until she meets Victor Krum. You won't believe that either."

"Who?"

"Another seeker. You can take Ginny back now. She's over there playing catch with the quaffle. And come visit us again sometime, Harry. You're a seeker for life, and seekers are always welcome in our chamber."

As he and Ginny left, Harry decided to make up a story about fighting a basilisk anyway. If he told the truth, Ron would kill him for not getting everyone's autograph.

Er, this one makes a bit more sense than the last one. Sorry! Randomness will return after these short messages from our sponsers!

buttered-onions, thanks for reviewing this! Randomness rules!


	3. Boredom of the Phoenix

Harry Potter and the Boredom of the Phoenix (Order of the Phoenix, mild spoilers for beginning of the book so if you haven't read OotP I don't know why you're reading fanfics instead you crazy person go read the book it's not that long I read it in about 8 hours and you've had over a week and actually since there seems to be only one person reading these stories I don't know why I'm writing this warning anyway)

It was the end of the summer. Harry and his friends had nothing to do. They lay in the grass in the backyard so they could at least be outside not doing the nothing they had to do.

"We could always go finish our homework," Harry said.

"Nah," Ron said. "Already did it. We could pack our trunks."

"Already packed," Hermione said. "I could teach you all how to knit."

"Already know how," Ginny said. "We could help mum cook dinner."

"Already gotten her mad at us once today, don't want to go near her again," Fred said. "We could work on more stuff for our joke shop."

"Already ran out of materials, we need to buy more sometime," George said. "We could pester all the adults for the information they haven't told us."

"Already asked, they still won't tell us," Harry said. "We could go play with Buckbeak."

"Already gotten attacked when I dropped a dungbomb near that hippogriff," Ginny said. "We could lie here and discuss how bored we are."

"Already doing it," Ron said. "We could go find somewhere else to discuss how bored we are."

"Sounds good to me," everyone said.

They got up and went upstairs to Harry and Ron's bedroom. Then they all flopped on the beds.

"We could take a nap," Hermione said.

"Already taken two today," Ron said. "We could go clean the house again."

"Already spent the summer cleaning," George said. "We could desperately hope school will start soon and relieve the boredom."

"Sounds good to me," everyone said.

If anyone other than buttered-onions is reading this, please review! You can still review, too, buttered-onions; I'm just yelling at all those people out there who seem to like being anonymous. Come out of the shadows! It's rude to lurk in corners! And bad for your summer tans! 

buttered-onions: French Fry is just fine! So now you might be getting a story named Order of the French Fry in an upcoming chapter. Just not quite yet because I've already written the next chapter. But I'll keep it in mind.


	4. Goblin on Fire

Harry Potter and the Goblin on Fire (Goblet of Fire)

When he got to Diagon Alley, Harry realized he didn't have enough money to buy his school supplies, especially if he wanted to get new robes. So he decided to go to Gringotts first.

The goblin in charge asked him what he wanted.

"I need to take some money out of my vault. My name's Harry Potter." Harry handed the goblin (whose name is suddenly going to be Bert) his key. Bert the goblin inspected it carefully and was disappointed to find that it was, in fact, Harry Potter's vault key. No robbery attempt today.

Harry followed Bert the goblin to one of the carts that would take them down to the vault. As he got in, another cart appeared and began to stop nearby. Suddenly, it hit a bump and derailed. The passengers went flying. The goblin in the other cart fell into one of the torches on the wall and burst into flame.

"Help, help, somebody put me out!" he yelled and ran around in circles beating at the flames. He crashed into more wooden carts and they too caught on fire. Harry ran over and doused the goblin by smothering the flames with the bag he carried his money in, and Bert pulled a fire extinguisher out of a nearby vault and put out the rest of the flames.

Okay, I don't think Harry went to Diagon Alley in the fourth book, but this is a _fanfiction_. Give me a break. It's not _supposed_ to follow the book exactly, or it would _be_ the book... Oh, wait. No one did complain about it. Never mind.

scarletngrayangel: Thank you so much for reviewing! I'm adding more as quickly as I can!

buttered-onions: I've updated, what's your plan? You can see _one_ other person has reviewed, but don't let that deter you.


	5. Border of the Kleenex

Harry Potter and the Border of the Kleenex (Order of the Phoenix, see spoiler note in chapter 3)

Harry sneezed.

Hermione pulled a tissue out of her schoolbag and handed it to him. The tissue, not the schoolbag. "Here you go Harry. It sounds like you have a cold."

"Thanks." Harry took the tissue and was about to blow his nose when Ron snatched it away. The tissue, not Harry's nose. Harry made assorted choking noises as he held back the blow. "Hey! I was using that! Give it back!"

"Look at this tissue!" Ron held it out so Harry could see. Someone had written spell incantations all along the edges. "Hermione, you blow your nose with your _schoolwork_?"

"Well, we are taking O.W.L.S. this year, and just because I have to pause in homework to blow my nose doesn't mean I have to stop studying for the exams. If you're going to ridicule my study habits, I'll just take that tissue back, I can use the extra studying." She grabbed the tissue from Ron and stalked off.

"Hey wait! Hermione, I still need to blow my nose!" Harry called.

"Oh, blow it on your robe." Ron stomped off throwing disgusted looks at Hermione. She was busily reading the tissue and didn't notice.

Harry picked up one of the socks Hermione had left for the house elves and blew his nose on it. Knowing Dobby, he wouldn't care a bit. Still, Harry decided to wash the sock before he put it back. Or, it would always make a good Christmas present for Malfoy.

Yet more randomness is here! Review! And for those who already have:

Silinde: Yes, there's nothing so pointless as writing senseless fanfic! Glad you like it!

buttered-onions: Yes, that's quite positive. You heard that everyone, review or face the random and rabid weasels!

Smudged: Thanks for the review!

coolcat411: If randominity isn't a word, it sure ought to be. Oops, the spellchecker just confirmed that it isn't. But who trusts spellcheckers? Right.


	6. Prisoners of Randomness

Harry Potter and the Prisoners of Randomness (Prisoner of Azkaban)

_Or_, Why the Ministry Couldn't Catch Black

The Minister of Magic, Cornelius Fudge, was having a meeting with some Unnamed Ministry Officials and a Dementor, which didn't have a name because to their knowledge no dementors have names.

"So, does anyone have anything to report about the hunt for Sirius Black?" he asked.

Unnamed Ministry Official #1 said, "What about it?"

Unnamed Ministry Official #2 said, "We're still looking."

Unnamed Ministry Official #3 said, "It's rather cloudy today, don't you think?"

Everyone stared at him. Then Fudge cleared his throat and went on. "Er, we have some new ideas about the protection of Hogwarts. First, would the Dementor like to say anything about how the school is doing? Any break-ins?"

If the Dementor had an opinion, it certainly didn't say anything. For that matter, they weren't sure if dementors _could_ talk. It just made odd hissing noises to show displeasure.

Unnamed Ministry Official #3 said, "The dementors have been guarding the school for several weeks without seeing anything suspicious."

Unnamed Ministry Official #2 said, "You're right, it is clouding up. Maybe it's going to rain."

Unnamed Ministry Official #1 said, "What does rain have to do with Black?"

Fudge said, "Good question. I don't see a connection."

The Dementor made a hissing noise.

Unnamed Ministry Official #1 said, "Actually, rain could be very pertinent. If it's pouring, and Black tries to…"

_30 minutes Before_

Fudge yelled, "What did we flash-back for? That was supposed to flash-_forward_ so we could skip the speech! Fix it right now!"

_All right, calm down._

_30 Minutes Later_

Unnamed Ministry Official #1 said, "Actually, rain could be very pertinent. If it's pouring, and Black tries to…"

Fudge turned purple in the face as he yelled, "Flash-forward again! You just got back to where it started from!"

_Fine, just shut up. And purple is not a very appealing color on you._

_30 Minutes Later than That_

"…And that's why rain could be important." Unnamed Ministry Official #1 concluded.

Fudge asked, "So what you're saying is we stop all the rain in Britain, and then arrest everyone who tries to buy water from stores on the charge that Sirius Black must be thirsty?"

Unnamed Ministry Official #2 said, "I bought a new pair of shoes yesterday. They're pink."

The Dementor shuddered. "I hate pink," it said. "Too happy a color."

The others stared at it. "Since when can you talk?" Fudge asked suspiciously.

"Oops. Hiss."

Unnamed Ministry Official #3 said, "Look! Rain puddles!" and he ran over to jump in them.

Fudge sighed. "The rate we're going, we'll never catch Black."

Okay people, review or face the rabid weasel*!

buttered-onions: Thanks for the weasel loan. Maybe we could find some way to reanimate Rodney? Then the potential reviewers can get threatened with a rabid zombie weasel!

MistyStarlight: Well, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I tend to think of randomness as a force of evil chaos, though. Hope you liked this chapter.

*Rabid weasels provided courtesy of buttered-onions and friends. So don't complain about your rabies to me.


	7. Order of French Fries

Harry Potter and the Order of the French-Fries (Order of the Phoenix, actually no spoilers in this unless you haven't figured out that Harry _always_ goes home to the Dursleys over the summer)

Harry came down to the kitchen one afternoon and found Aunt Petunia frantically rearranging the refrigerator.

"Oh dear," she said. "I forgot to go shopping. We don't have any food for dinner."

"Not like we were eating much anyway," Harry grumbled.

"What will we do?" Uncle Vernon asked.

"We'll just have to go out to eat," Aunt Petunia told him.

"I thought Dudley was still on his diet," Harry grumbled, but quietly enough that they didn't hear him. No way was he ruining a chance to get some real food.

They piled into the car and drove to McDonalds. 

Dudley, happy that no one had remembered his diet, ordered five of the biggest burgers they had. And a large milkshake. And then fries on top of that. And a sundae for after he ate his burgers.

Harry ordered a salad. And a milk. He considered getting a cookie, but figured he'd just infuriate Dudley by stealing spoonfuls of his sundae instead.

Dudley had finished his burgers and started eating his fries when he hit the limit. Having eaten too much, he began to swell up.

Uncle Vernon yelled at Harry because he thought Harry was doing magic. "Stop it! You already blew up one member of this family and that is quite enough!"

People began to stare. Dudley had inflated like a balloon and was floating away gently in the breeze. Harry would have laughed, but Uncle Vernon would have considered that proof that he was at fault. So Harry waited until they got home and he was in his room listening to the Dursleys downstairs trying to deflate Dudley. Then he cracked up.

Here's the Order of French Fries, as requested by buttered-onions. Hey, if anyone else has an idea, shout it out, I'm starting to run out of titles to write about. It's okay if you don't, I won't sic the rabid weasel on you for being uncreative. But you'd better review anyway! *menaces readers with slobbering weasel until they hit the review button*

Buttered-onions: Happy fourth of July to you, too, except it's not the fourth anymore. Um, the prisoners of randomness could be anybody. Just pick a person at random. Like…him! *points to person walking by, who looks startled and hurries away*

Lara Potter: Crickets? Okay…grasshoppers!

scarletngrayangel: Yeah, we've already established that it's random. Do any of you reviewers know any adjectives other than random? How about off-the-wall? Now there's a good phrase. But I'm glad you're liking it!

Potter-Freak123: You eat squirrels? *hides the rabid weasel* Um, if the warm fuzzy feeling was from my story after all, thanks for the compliment. If it was the squirrel…HEY PETA! THE SQUIRREL WENT THIS WAY!


	8. Impossible Poem

Harry Potter and the Impossible Poem (Philosopher's Stone, I don't know why I haven't done a Sorcerer's Stone one yet except that philosopher sounds like a lot more stuff than sorcerer)

Potions class was almost over. Harry had just finished cleaning out his cauldron when Snape walked back up to the front of the room and assigned homework.

"You have homework due next class period. Write a poem about making potions. It must rhyme. It must be at least four lines long. If you want a good grade it must make sense. Now get out of my sight."

Harry groaned. He never would have thought Snape would be so cruel as to assign poetry. Ron was also groaning, but Hermione was already mumbling the words to what seemed to be an epic tale of potion brewing.

That night in the Gryffindor common room they all worked on their poems. The scratching of quills was broken only by periodic readings to test rhythm.

"Okay, I think I've got something," Ron said. He held up his parchment and read, "'The cauldron is empty before I begin/Because I need it to make potions in./I start to add the ingredients' wait, that's not going to rhyme with anything. I'd better change that." He scratched it out and wrote something else.

Harry peered at Ron's poem. "You replaced 'ingredients' with 'stuff'? Man, I can just see it now. Snape waves your paper in your face and says 'You add the _what_, Mr. Weasley?' and you say 'Stuff, sir.'" He laughed.

Ron glared at Harry, but his ears were turning pink in embarrassment. "Let's hear yours then, if it's so much better."

Harry read, "'The Potion should turn blue./Instead it sticks like glue./I've messed up once more./I bet I'll get a low score.'"

Ron laughed. Harry was indignant. "At least mine rhymes. And I never said 'stuff'."

Hermione sighed as she put down her quill and rubbed the cramps out of her hand. Ron and Harry stared at her poem. It filled the entire sheet of parchment, front and back, in Hermione's smallest handwriting.

"What did you do, Hermione? Put the recipe for every potion we've ever made into verse? He only asked for four lines!"

"Just because he sets a minimum doesn't mean that's all he wants, Ron! Now, I'm getting some sleep!"

Check out the next chapter for the finished poems!

Rin, Rin, Rin, and Rin: When you remember what you were going to say I'll respond to it. Until then, speechless at your speechlessness.

Buttered-onions and Buttered-onions: Hope you had fun at McDonalds. Yeah, you've been switching between saying Rodney and Reginald pretty much every review. Maybe it's just one weasel with a split personality.

Scarletngrayangel: Those are such great ideas! You've got a couple upcoming chapters dedicated to you now. Dudley looks like a balloon anyway, doesn't he?


	9. Poem continued

Snape handed back their poems next class, along with his comments on them.

Ron had finished his. It now read:

The cauldron is empty before I begin,

Because I need it to make potions in.

I'm very careful as I add the stuff.

Boy, I never knew writing poems was so tough!

*Stuff, Mr. Weasley, is not accurate potions terminology. Rewrite this and turn it in next class for partial credit.*

Harry had, at Hermione's prompting, added lines. His now read:

The Potion should turn blue.

Instead, it sticks like glue.

I think it's wrong once more.

I'm sure I'll get a low score.

But I won't let that ruin my day,

Because I know Snape hates me anyway!

*Detention, Mr. Potter. Need I say more?*

Hermione's poem turned out to be a story about a wizard who was stranded on an island with only his cauldron, and how the wizard was able to use local ingredients to make potions because he knew the properties of the real ingredients. Even Snape couldn't find any reason to take off points, though he did try to punish her for being "too creative."

Ooh, I've got an idea! All you kind, smart, creative, enthusiastic reviewers can request other people's poems when you review! Even better incentive than rabid weasels! Just assume that Snape gave this assignment to all his classes, so people in other houses/years can write poems too. And if you can think of a reason for a teacher to write a poem, I'll do them too. Except Hermione's poem, because it's too long. If I ever finish it, it'll get a chapter to itself.


	10. Presents of Azkaban

Harry Potter and the Presents of Azkaban (Prisoner of Azkaban)

"Happy Birthday!" said the dementor.

"Why, thank you," said the other dementor. "But how did you know it was my birthday?"

"You marked it on the calendar. See: happy birthday to the dementor in the black cloak. That's not very descriptive; you're lucky I recognized your handwriting. Go on, open you present."

"What's this, another pair of socks? You got me the same thing last year."

"They're _wool_ socks, I hope you noticed."

"What am I supposed to do with wool socks? I don't have feet."

Meanwhile 

Dumbledore opened the birthday present someone had left on his desk.

"_Another_ black cloak? What am I supposed to do with another black cloak? I distinctly remember asking for wool socks."

This chapter belongs to my sister (unlike the others that belong to me). This is because she gave me some new pens for my birthday, and consequently, I used them to write a birthday-present story. And I gave it to her as a thank-you note. So now it's hers.

Scarletngrayangel: Glad you like the poems, I had a lot of fun writing them. Actually, these stories are the stuff I write when I have writer's block on my other stories. Check out Fred and George's poems at the end of this chapter.

R.J. and R.J.: LOL I _love_ the poem! I don't think mine are quite as good. I'm actually using Sorcerers Stoned for a full-length story (hopefully to begin posting soon) but your other suggestions will definitely be included in upcoming chapters.

Aratfeniel: Out of town _and_ no computer access? Where were you, some desert island? But welcome back to civilization, and I'm glad you like the story!

S. P. Ratt: Wow, conglomeration's an awesome word. I like that you like.

Bluob: Structured randomness. That's practically contradictory. But it does kind of describe this style.

Fred's Poem:

Potions is actually an important class

Because we use potions for our tricks and laughs.

Although it would be nice if Snape applies his lessons, too;

He could really use to mix up some shampoo.

_Mr. Weasley, you will be joining Mr. Potter in detention._

George's Poem:

I've followed the instructions bit by bit

That Snape gave for this potion (evil git).

And so I'm writing this limerick

While letting it simmer- ick,

I knew I shouldn't have tasted it.

_Another for detention, and I will be speaking to Professor McGonagall about the rude and rebellious nature of her students._


	11. Chamber of Sneakers

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Sneakers (Chamber of Secrets)

Harry was wandering around the school wondering where the chamber of secrets was located. He saw a door he didn't recognize and opened it. The room looked empty. Harry turned to go when he heard a voice near his feet. "Hello."

Harry looked down. "Did you say that?"

"Yep."

"You're a shoe."

"Yep."

"Shoes can't talk."

"Nope."

"This is too weird." Harry once again tried to leave, but a shoe stuck itself in the doorway and he couldn't close the door.

"All right, what do you want?"

"Do you wear shoes?"

"Yes. Can I go?"

"What size?"

"Seven."

"Hey! All size sevens in here, you've got a wearer!" Several dozen pairs of shoes hopped out of the darkness and followed Harry upstairs to his dorm, where they moved in under his bed.

Ron noticed them a few days later. "Harry, why do you have so many shoes? And what's with the little tents and campfires?"

"They live down there. Oh, Ron, what size do you wear?"

"Nine. Why?"

The next day 30-odd pairs of size nine shoes had set up camp under Ron's bed.

Just another odd story. I'm sorry I haven't updated for so long, but if anyone bothered to read my profile bio, I told you that I'd be at camp for three weeks. Anyway, I just think the talking shoe is too cute.

S. P. Ratt: Hmm, maybe I should do more dementor stories, that one seems to have been popular…

Scarletngrayangel: Yeah, you missed my birthday, but it's no big deal, I practically missed it, too. Still haven't had a party. Well, I've added more, so be happy. Sorry it wasn't soon.


	12. Goblet of Pliers

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Pliers (Goblet of Fire)

Argus Filch was mopping the floor in the entrance hall when he looked over at the table where the goblet sat. The fire in the goblet was out.

"Dang, more work," he grumbled. He fished around in his pockets until he found a wrench and a pair of pliers. Then he began tinkering with the goblet.

"How did it go out in the first place? That was a _magic_ fire."

Finally he turned a knob that lit the fire again. "Aha. But wait, it's…green?"

Sure enough the goblet held merrily dancing green flames.

"It's not supposed to do that! What will the headmaster say?"

Filch kicked the table. One of the legs buckled out from under it and the table was thrown off balance. In his haste to catch the goblet before it fell, Filch dropped his pliers into it.

The flames turned blue.

"Guess that'll do," he said. "I just hope the pliers aren't chosen to compete in the tournament, or Dumbledore'll have my head."

The Goblet of Pliers was suggested by R.J.

The 3 reviews of Zyrorai: Wow, you must have been on a creative streak or something. "Chamber of Leakage" is cracking me up, and I'm not even sure what's going to be leaking yet! It just sounds so ridiculous. Glad you like the various poems/stories you mentioned.

Scarletngrayangel: Writer's block, the bane of fanfictions everywhere. I know the feeling. I'm so stuck on one of my stories that I've barely looked at it in weeks!

Letalis: BwaHaHa(etc) doesn't look like two words to me; either one eight-syllable word or eight words with no spacing. But hey, that's an awesome laugh you've got there. One question- evil potato? Why not evil cucumber or evil squash or something unusual like that? Hmm, think think think, okay, one Remus poem coming right up!

Harry came to Lupin for help writing his poem. This was the result, which Snape, luckily, never saw.

Remus Lupin's Poem:

Are potions really useful? I'd say yes

(Far more so than the potions master).

Especially if you're a werewolf; I am,

And potions can help me transform faster,

Which makes life much more worth living.

And because I'm going to burn this when I'm done,

So that no one finds out what I am,

I can insult Snape all I want. It's so much fun!

SNAPE IS A SNIVELING COWARD AND A COMPLETE IDIOT! Good, got that out of my system. I mean, everyone thinks I'm the calm one, but they don't know what I write in my diary every day about them…sorry, is this still part of the poem? It's not exactly rhyming is it. Oh well, Harry you need to do your own homework, I don't think this will help you any.


	13. FourDoor of the Phoenix

Harry Potter and the Four-Door of the Phoenix (Order of the Phoenix, but based on the dueling club formed in their second year. Grossness factors are higher on this story, consider yourself warned)

_99 Cho-co-late Frogs on the wall,_

_99 Cho-co-late Frogs,_

_One hops down and melts on the ground,_

_98 Cho-co-late Frogs on the wall!_

_98 Cho-co-late Frogs on the wall,_

"Ron, shut up, _please_. If you sing any more I'm going to be sick." Hermione was huddled on her seat, lying down as much as she could without squashing Neville, who was sitting on her other side. 

"I don't think Ron's singing has anything to do with it," Harry called out from the front seat. "We told you not to read in the car."

Malfoy glanced at Hermione, and then went back to staring out the window. Secretly he smiled. She did look pretty green.

Flitwick, who was driving the top dueling club members to a tournament, was humming happily to himself and completely failed to notice anything was wrong.

"Why can't I sing, if Flitwick can hum?" Ron complained.

"Food, Ron. You're singing about food."

"So? I'm hungry. We haven't eaten anything since breakfast."

"Ohh…" Hermione clutched her stomach and groaned.

Harry turned around. "Stop bothering her, Ron! Can't you see she's sick?" 

Malfoy nodded and smiled. He caught Hermione's eye and transfigured her textbook into a big gloppy peanut butter sandwich. Hermione turned another shade of green and quickly looked away.

"_Peanut butter_. Ugh. And it's raining outside, too."

"Hey!" Neville shouted. "I'm getting wet!" 

Flitwick was humming happily to himself and completely failed to notice anything was wrong.

Harry shot a dirty look at Malfoy, who quickly took his hand away from the window controls. 

Ron was munching on the sandwich. "Hey Malfoy, could I get some bananas on this? And milk? You know how peanut butter sticks to the roof…what?"

Harry was glaring at him. Hermione suddenly wasn't green anymore.

"Oh, that's gross," Neville said. "I think I preferred being soaked from the rain."

Flitwick was humming happily to himself and completely failed to notice anything was wrong.

two2feet suggested this title. Hmm, it doesn't seem to have much to do with phoenix, does it? Maybe the phoenix is the dueling club mascot or something. But they are in a car, so that part of the title's all right!

two2feet: Wow! Maybe I should just hand the whole job over to you! Thanks for the review. You make me feel so special! ^_^ I think Randomness is my favorite, too.

Zyrorai: Yeah, I'd better think of something for that. Soon, so I can post it. There're just too many possibilities!

S. P. Ratt: Don't stop, keep laughing! Laughter is good! Uh, I haven't been able to read your story yet, but I'll try to soon. What title am I looking for?

Silinde: Where _did_ that come from? Well, I guess I'll try sometime. It'll certainly be a challenge.


	14. Mordor of the Phoenix

Harry Potter and the Mordor of the Phoenix (Order of the Phoenix)

Harry was dreaming again.

He walked down the mysterious hallway. This time the door in front of him opened, and he stepped through. Harry found himself standing on a plain under a black sky. He looked to his left and saw a tower, so tall that he could not have seen the top even if it hadn't blended in perfectly with the black clouds. On his right was a volcano. He could feel the heat coming from it.

Harry looked down. He was holding something heavy in his hand. He held it up to see what it was…

And he woke up.

"I had another one of those dreams," Harry told Ron and Hermione later. "Only this one was really weird. I walked through the door and suddenly I was somewhere else." He described the vision.

"I think I know where you were," Hermione said.

"Well, I don't," said Ron.

"That's because you never read anything," Hermione told him. "It was a scene from a book called 'The Lord of the Rings.' Harry was holding the One Ring that had the power to take over the world, and he was supposed to destroy it in the volcano."

"That must be Voldemort's secret weapon!" Ron said. "He's going to find the ring and use it to rule the world!"

"I'm not so sure about that," Harry said. "A Harry Potter/Lord of the Rings crossover? That's the absolute lamest way that this book could end."

"Well," said Hermione, "how about a weapon that gets destroyed during the obligatory battle between good and evil before anyone has the chance to use it, and that really had no offensive value whatsoever to begin with?"

Harry thought about this. "You're right," he said, "That's even lamer."

Mordor of the Phoenix was suggested by UnDeadGoat. Thank you everyone for being patient while I had no electricity after the hurricane! As you can see, I just got power back today. Anyway:

Window Girl: Wow, so many reviews, where should I start? Maybe by asking why you skipped chapter 4? But thanks for all the comments. I'm glad you like them so much.

x0firefly0x: Funny. That's cool.

Olean-Radcliffe: Hey, raw curly fries even _sounds_ random! Thanks for the offer, I don't know if I'd post it but I would love to see what you could make of Hermione's poem. If you like I could post my email address for you?

sunkyssed: Here's the next chapter, so you better have some ideas soon!

greasy socks: Funny stories! And sugar highs are funny! Funny!

Aratfeniel: Let's count… three people's reviews this time say it's funny! I must be doing something right! And as to making sense, please see the note in the first chapter. It's not supposed to!

Zyrorai: Yeah, I actually think this story is one of my better ones. I liked Ron being hungry too. And reading until you get carsick is something both Hermione and I would do.

UndeadGoat: Whoa, too many comments! Glad you like it, sorry about the rabies, you'll have to talk to buttered-onions if you want a weasel because they're not mine to loan out, yes Fred wrote a poem and here's the chapter you requested. Did that cover enough?

Taskemus: Yeah, that's not exactly a practical solution, is it? Glad you like!


	15. Sorcerer's Scone

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Scone (Sorcerer's Stone)

shuffle shuffle shuffle

"Ow!"

"What?"

"You stepped on my foot!"

"Sorry."

shuffle shuffle shuffle bump crash

"OW!"

"What _now_?"

"I walked into a table! Can we _please_ get some light now? I want to see where I'm going."

"Oh, fine. _Lumos_."

Fred, standing in the middle of the Gryffindor common room in his pajamas, held up his wand. The light revealed George, also in his pajamas, lying on the floor on top of the table he had knocked over. He quickly picked it up and got to his feet.

This time with the light from Fred's wand, they snuck out of the common room and through the halls to the kitchen.

"Great," said Fred, "now we'll just get some food from the house-elves, sneak back into bed, and no one will ever know we left. What do you want to get?"

George thought hard as he looked around the kitchen. "Mmm, scones. They must be for breakfast tomorrow. Let's take a few now. Where are all the house-elves?"

Just then one house-elf walked out from behind a corner. "Are sirs here for scones?" it asked. "Like the other master? Come eat, we made lots!"

The _other_ master? Fred and George peered around the corner. Sure enough, someone else had snuck out for a midnight snack and was sitting at a small table, with a plate of scones and a green mug full of coffee.

"Snape?!"

Professor Snape turned around. He saw the two Weasleys and waved. "Hello! Come to have a few scones? Please sit down, there's plenty for all."

"Are-Aren't you going to give us detention, sir?" George asked tentatively.

"Detention? For sneaking out at night, you mean? Good heavens, no!" Snape told him. "I quite understand how irresistible the sudden craving for a scone can be. After all, I've been coming here for scones every night! These house-elves make excellent scones. Have you tried the strawberry one? Or, my favorite is the pumpkin."

"Um, thanks, but we should really get back to bed. Right George?" Fred said.

"Oh, yeah, we're, you know, really tired. We'll just go now," George agreed. He and Fred ran back to the common room.

"_Snape_ likes _scones_? And he didn't give us detention?" Fred gasped as he collapsed into a chair.

"That was the scariest part," George said. "I'm not eating another scone for the rest of my life."

Sorcerer's Scone was suggested by both scarletngrayangel and R.J.

nkittyhawk: Spontaneous _and_ sneezes, what a great review. And I don't know who would hire a goldfish any more than you do, but somebody obviously has to or I can't write a story about it! So expect a hired goldfish in an upcoming chapter.    PS: Did you notice I've been reviewing your story like you asked me to?

Razanur: Yes, you did review Fellowship of the RingRingRing, but 6 chapters ago so I completely understand if you can't remember it. Thanks for reviewing both!

treefrogie: Um, not sure if I know enough about "beatniks" to do a story. But I'll try sometime. And yes, I'll write Sirius's poem soon.

Zyrorai: Cool, someone agrees with me that it wasn't a weapon. For some reason, when my dad read that story he didn't understand what I was talking about! Of course, he's only read the book once. And you're another LotR fan? Go you!

soccergirl45: No ideas? That's okay. Just shout out whenever you get one. And happy etremely-belated-birthday!

marauder no.5: Okay, okay, I'll be nicer to the rabid weasels. But I haven't been using them lately, so they've been on holiday. Better? And nice work with the thesaurus. 

sunkyssed: Well, come up with something! Or re-suggest something and remind me that I'm supposed to be writing it.


	16. Goldfish for Hire

Harry Potter and the Goldfish for Hire (Goblet of Fire)

There was a fishbowl sitting on a table near the door of the Three Broomsticks.

There was a goldfish in it.

People going in or coming out would stare at it, and the goldfish would explain, "I'm looking for a job. Will you hire me? I'll do anything." But nobody wanted to hire a goldfish.

One day, though, a man walked in and sat down at the goldfish's table. They spoke for a while, and then the man left, carrying the goldfish and its bowl with him.

Harry knew, without looking, what had to be in the bag Ludo Bagman was holding out to him. All of the dragons had been picked except for the Hungarian Horntail, and all of the numbers had been chosen except for four. So Harry wasn't surprised when he reached in and pulled out a model of…a goldfish?

Okay, he was surprised.

"Um, sir? Are you telling me I have to fight my way past a goldfish?"

"Yes, well, you see," Bagman looked slightly embarrassed, "we had four nesting females with their eggs for the competition. But then, the Horntail's eggs hatched. We were hard pressed finding a replacement in time. Luckily I met that goldfish in a tavern yesterday."

"There's got to be some catch. It's not really a goldfish, it's something transfigured to look like a goldfish but that will reveal its true monstrousness as soon as I enter the arena. Or it's some rare type of fire-breathing, poisonous-quill-shooting, suck-my-blood-vampire goldfish."

"No, no, it's an ordinary goldfish. In a fishbowl."

"In a _fishbowl_?"

Harry stood in front of the fishbowl. He felt stupid. Fleur, Victor, and Cedric had just fought dragons in front of the crowd, and now he was faced with a little fish, swimming in circles around the bowl.

He cleared his throat. "Er, hello."

The fish stopped swimming and looked up at him. "Hello! Are you the one who's trying to take the golden pebble out of my bowl?"

"I suppose so. But I can't exactly fight you for it, can I? You're so…small. And fishy."

"Fishy? You say that like it's a bad thing."

"But then how am I supposed to get your pebble away from you?"

The fish thought about it. "Well, you could ask politely for it. And without the 'fishy', this time."

"Er, okay. Can I please have that golden pebble, Mr. Fish?"

"Sure."

"Thanks."

Not surprisingly, Harry was the quickest champion to complete the task.

Hey, long time no update! How's everybody been? Goldfish for Hire was suggested by…let me check my list…nkittyhawk! Go you!

nkittyhawk: Seeing as you've already started that sequel, I'll assume UPS got your brain back okay. May your sneezes and reviews be plentiful.

UnDeadGoat: Whoa, what a review! I can't make heads or tails of what you were trying to say! Which is randomness as it should be, I guess.

TeamExtremeGurl: Sirius seems to be the most popular person to write a poem for, you must be the third or fourth person to ask. Guess I'll have to do it for next chapter, huh?

soccergirl45: Okay, Order of the Pies is officially on the waiting list. Thanks for the request.

Razanur: Meep! right back at you. Desultory is a very cool word.

UnDeadGoat: Hello- again? Oh, you reviewed twice. I'd love to use Sorcerers Stoned as a title, except I'm already using it for another story I'm working on. If you're interested, I'll start posting it soon.

Zyrorai: Wow, I've got a whole lot of writing to do, don't I? Just out of curiosity, how would you react if I told you I didn't like scones but I bother to write stories about them? And please don't threaten to kill me.

fuzzy-nose: Has it come back to you yet?


	17. Spellchecker's Zone

Harry Potter in the Spellchecker's Zone (Sorcerer's Stone)

or

What Happens When You Let the Computer Fix Your Spelling

Harry Potter, Ron Weasel, and Hormone Granger were in the library trying to figure out who Nicholas Flame was.

"We've looked through nearly all the books in this library!" Ron said. "There must be a better way to do this! How do we know he's even in here, is what I want to know."

"I've told you, Ron," Harry said. "I know I've read the name 'Nicholas Flame' somewhere. Reading implies books. Books imply libraries. There's only one library here at Yogurts school. And that is why we're here."

"But don't you think there could be an easier way?" Hormone asked. "Like, we could ask Professor Dumb-lead-ore! He would know. Hatred practically told us that while we were talking about Fluffy."

"But we don't want to get Hatred into trouble," Harry pointed out. "He's my friend, even if he does keep big three-headed dogs around."

"Well," said Ron, "if we can't ask the headmaster, who can we ask who wouldn't think we were up to something? McDonald?"

"Ron, just because she's the head of Grayfish-door house doesn't mean she wouldn't be suspicious if a couple of her students started asking questions about Nicholas Flame. Besides, she would probably tell Professor Dumb-lead-ore anyway," Hormone pointed out.

Harry said, "What about Snipe? He already thinks we're suspicious."

"Snipe?" Ron asked. "He'd throw us in detention before we finished the question. He's a Slithering, remember? Like Deacon Mallory. You don't go messing around with people from that house."

"Maybe Nicholas Flame is here somewhere, but we're looking in the wrong books," Hormone suggested. "We could ask the librarian for help."

"Madame Prince?" Harry asked. "Come on, Hormone, she'd kick us out for wasting her time on something other than schoolwork. Face it, we're just going to have to find Nicholas Flame by ourselves."

Hope everyone can tell who's who! If you're confused about any of the names, just ask. I really did just pick the first word the spell-check gave me, so blame my computer.


	18. Goblet of the Shire

* * *

Harry Potter and the Goblet of the Shire (Goblet of Fire) 

* * *

Everyone was rather surprised when Dumbledore stood up to make an announcement after dinner.

"Hello!" he said.

This was rather unexpected. A few people said hello back, and Fred waved, but the rest just sort of stared.

"Yes, well, I have an announcement to make. This year, Hogwarts is proud to host…a school play!"

"What!" Malfoy yelped. "My father swore it was the Triwizard Tournament!"

"Yes," Dumbledore continued, "that was the code name for the play, in case anyone overheard our discussions. In any case, you are all invited to audition for the play by submitting your name to the Goblet, which will then pick the best actor for each part. The list will be posted, along with the rehearsal schedule, two weeks from now. Good luck."

Two weeks later, Harry and Ron were talking nervously at breakfast.

"I put my name in the Goblet last week, what about you?" Ron asked.

"I couldn't decide if I wanted to try out, but I put my name in last night," Harry said.

Hermione ran in. "Harry, Ron! The list is up in the entrance hall! Come see!"

As they pushed their way through the crowd, Harry asked, "What about you, Hermione? Did you audition?"

She nodded. "Yes, I did. I think being in a play would be very educational about the art of acting, don't you?"

Ron groaned, but he was too busy trying to read the list to reply.

"Oh, we'll never get up to the list with this crowd," Hermione said. She pointed her wand over the heads in front of her and summoned a copy off the table below. She caught it and they backed out of the hall.

"What does it say, Hermione?" Ron asked impatiently. "What's the play?"

"Just a minute!" She scanned the list. "It's 'The Lord of the Rings.' I've read that book. Let me see if we're in it."

"Good," Harry said, "if you've read it you can describe the characters. Did I get a part?"

"Yes!" Hermione pointed. "Harry, you're Frodo. He's the main character. You'll probably like him; he's short but heroic. Just like you."

"What about me?" Ron asked.

"Definitely not a hobbit, you're too tall. Here you are: Aragorn. You get to have a sword and be king."

"Wicked!" Ron said. "What else do I do?"

"Well," Hermione thought, "You rescue Frodo's life a few times, act heroic, and marry an elf named Arwen."

"Who's playing Arwen?" he asked.

Hermione blushed. "Me."

"What about Frodo, Hermione?" Harry asked. "Do I have to get married?"

"No, but you have a friend named Sam who follows you everywhere."

"And who plays…"

"Malfoy."

"I knew I shouldn't have put my name in that goblet."

* * *

Hey, long time no see! Or read, or…whatever. Sorry about neglecting all my stories, I've been really busy with school and all those overused excuses, and since you probably are going to hit me anyway I'll stop trying to pass the blame. This title was suggested by Zyrorai.

And I usually answer reviews at this point, but since it's been so long neither of us will know what I'm talking about. Next chapter the tradition will resume.


	19. Sorcerers Cloned

Harry Potter and the Sorcerers Cloned (Sorcerer's Stone)

_Someday I'm going to meet the person who gave Neville that wand, _Professor McGonagall thought. _And we'll introduce ourselves, and then I'll say, Thank you for ruining seven years of my life._

Neville was, at the moment, trying to transfigure his quill into a piece of blackboard chalk. The rest of the class had already completed the assignment. But the feeling of everyone staring at him was only making Neville mess up even more.

Neville looked up at Professor McGonagall. She started to get up from her desk to dismiss the class. Neville panicked and waved his wand wildly, trying to do something, anything, before she spoke.

He did do something. There was a blinding flash of light. The class, knowing Neville's history of accidents, dove for cover under the desks.

"Wicked!" shouted Ron when he could see again. "We've been cloned!"

-----

Professor McGonagall and Professor McGonagall spoke to Madame Pomfrey and made an announcement during lunch. "There seems to be nothing to do about the clones except wait for the spell to wear off. Meanwhile, so that there will be no skipping lessons while your clone attends instead of you, students _and_ their clones are expected to attend classes."

"So teachers will please arrange for extra desks to be placed in their rooms no later than an hour before class. Thank you."

Professor McGonagall glared at Professor McGonagall. "An hour? That's too slack. They should be ready the day before."

"Really?" Professor McGonagall retorted. "And what are the extra desks going to do overnight? Tapdance?"

Down at the Gryffindor table, most of the students were enjoying the clones.

"Look at Ron!" Ron told everyone. "He's got fifty-eight peas speared on his fork! I can never get more than thirty-two!"

Harry and Harry had loaded up spoonfuls of mashed potatoes and were flicking them at Malfoy.

"Hey!" Malfoy shouted. He glared over at the Gryffindor table.

"He did it." Harry and Harry pointed at each other.

Hermione was arguing with herself.

"Look, it's powdered _mandrake_ root with distillation of _flobberworm_ mucus. I looked it up this morning."

"For a shrinking potion? No, it's wiggentree bark, I'm sure of it."

Neville had been made to sit at the opposite end of the table from Neville. None of the Gryffindor students were willing to risk a Neville accident multiplied by two.

-----

The clones disappeared overnight, leaving most people relieved that they were gone. Ron, however, spent weeks trying to duplicate the spell and get his clone back, and Harry was never able to look at a spoonful of mashed potatoes with a straight face again.


	20. Goblet of Choirs

**Harry Potter and the Goblet of Choirs (Goblet of Fire)**

"Hey Harry! Come here for a minute!"

"What is it, Ron?" Harry asked.

Ron answered, "Look what i just found on the floor, it's a kind of goblet or something. Weird, huh?"

"But what's it doing here?" Harry wondered. "And why's it got a lid?"

"Beats me," said Ron, "but we can find out."

Ron lifted the lid carefully. Suddenly, voices belted out from inside the goblet, "Hallelujah! Hallelujah, hallelujah! Halle-"

Ron dropped the lid back.

They stared at the goblet.

"That's just weird," Harry said.

"You're right," said Ron, "let's just go away and pretend we never noticed. Things can be someone else's problem for once."

And they strolled off, leaving behind a perfectly innocent-looking goblet on the floor.


	21. Chamber of Sleepers

**Harry Potter and the Chamber of Sleepers** (Chamber of Secrets)

Harry opened the door and looked into the room. There were people sprawled all over the floor, snoring.

Harry waited for something to happen. The people kept snoring.

"This is boring," Harry said and walked away.


End file.
